As I go through the stages of grief from losing Tommy's parents, in less than a years time, I am faced with the undeniable fact that my own mother's time is growing short. Some people might say to not think of such things, but for me this is my only way of preparing myself for.....the inevitable. And not only in preparation of loss, but a chance to truly appreciate what I have...while I have it. Something I know my husband would have loved to have.
So I am starting to look at things differently. What matters, what doesn't, where I need to truly forgive her, what I remember and of course who my mom really is to me. Now my mother is like a lot of mothers in regard to making some pretty critical misjudgments. She was forced, as we all are, to raise children in the light of day meaning she had to deal with all of lifes disappointments, hardships, confusion as well as the dreaded faults of her own while trying to fufill her dreams of having children! I say dreaded because we all hope against hope that our own faults will somehow not penetrate the lives of our children. I know by looking at my mothers life that this is impossible, however I believe with reverence we can minimize those effects by self evaluating and addressing said issues...when life permits...which is not something that always happens and I find I personally need the strength of God to truly accomplish.
So as I yell in frustration at my sweet daughter I know the mother I want to be is much, much harder than I would like... not that I am giving up. As I know it must have been for my mother. My mother.....I know there are some in my family that don't seem to really see her. And it seems to me that there are some that have no problem with that and probably don't even consider the detail. I find my mother to be, at times and there have been many, difficult, sometimes perhaps manipulative and infuriating! I don't think any two people in my family have fought more. However I also see, quite easily, a loving woman who knows she doesn't understand others as much as she would like, but still cares that they feel pain. She reaches out with the only purpose to console. I have always seen it....her heart...although sometimes I forget, her heart was one of the most impressive characteristics she had to me growing up. I suppose when I really think of her.....it still is today.
So what about all of her faults....is that what comes to my mind as my mind and my heart as I deal with the fact that soon she won't be with me anymore? That I will not see her everyday? Her sins penetrated my life and gave me scares shouldn't she pay? But to purposely cause my mother pain even for the pain her decisions have caused seems cruel not only to her, but to myself. I think of my daughter....I imagine how my faults could cause her pain and I can hardly stand the thoughts! Is my mother any different? I don't think she is! I think she's human too.
So I work to forgive those faults and the pain they caused. Besides they won't be what I think of when she does move on into heaven. No, I will remember the beauty I saw as she hugs those in pain. I will remember her worries over those she knows who struggle. I will remember how she tried so hard to be there for me when I struggled to just get by when I was a teenager. I will remember that all that was important to her was her family. A family broken and broken for so many reasons yet not enough to warrant it, in my opinion.
I am glad I have been so blessed to have a sweet daughter that my mom gets to watch grow up literately before her eyes! She means something to her and that means so much to me.
I don't know how much longer my mom will be around. And my mom's faults didn't magically disappear, but she has grown. I think she still can and I will be here either way....loving her as my mom!
